Twenty-three days and I'm still alive!
On exactly January 1st of 2011, I decided to finally get myself together and lose weight. No, I did not make a New Year's resolution because I don't believe in them. However, losing weight has always been a project of mine. I have always been...heavy (trying to use the least negative word here) due to a childhood that I had no control over. I don't blame my mother or my father for anything that happened, but I internalized every bad feeling I had. I started binging when I was 7, joined Weight Watchers at 13, hooked on laxatives and dexatrim by 16, and tried every fad diet in between. By the age of 19, I was married and found myself in a very toxic relationship. A few years after being married, I gave up on myself completely. I let negative feelings and thoughts take over my entire existence. I lived that way for many years until my son was born and gave me life. The journey back to myself has been a long one. Very scary at times and joyful at others, but it's not over yet. So, I have decided to come clean, here, in public. What do I want to accomplish? I want to be able to rant, share my successes and failures, and hopefully get some advice from people who have been where I am. I will be brutally honest with myself because honestly, I can't afford therapy. I need a way to hold myself accoutable and to get rid of all the negativity. I am so hard on myself that I when I do fail, I can't breathe for days. I give up entirely and eat everything in the kitchen that contains chocolate or is high in trans fats. Then I berate myself for days following my out of control binge. I have to take control of my life in this way, because in many ways it's the last hurdle on my journey. I have been eating to comfort myself since I was 7, so these habits are hard to break, but I know now that I am worth it. On January 1st I started trying to change my habits by following the simple rules to weight loss...eating healthy, eating the bad things in moderation, counting calories, and exercising. I downloaded a nifty calorie counting app on my iPhone and was on my way. I have logged in every day since I got the app and have faithfully counted my calories for 21 days now. Technically, I started on January 3rd, which was the first Monday of the new year. According to the app I need to consume 1610 calories a day. I have been under most days, except the one day I ate a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers while watching a movie. Did you know a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers has 500 calories? Wow. I was stunned. So no more eating in front of the television for me. What did I do? I just forgave myself, gave myself a positive pep talk, and moved on. That was a major breakthrough for me. Maybe the fact that I had no chocolate in the house helped too. Anyway, I have lost 7 pounds in 15 days. My next weigh-in is tomorrow morning. I haven't done too well this past week so I just hope to have lost one pound. I was under in calories for the week, but I have just been making bad choices. So I will just hope for the best and do better next week. My goal is to eventually lose 160 pounds. I currently weigh 305.8 pounds. I started at 313. The one thing I have not been able to do consistently is exercise and that will be my project for next week. I am going to do step aerobics if it kills me! I am determined! I can't let that $25 step I bought off of Craigslist go to waste, now can I? Wish me luck!
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Tracie,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are coming from and wish you the best of luck. I was fairly thin up until my brother and I went to my grandparents' house for the summer when I was 12. They ate out A LOT so of course we did too. By the time my brother and I returned home from our visit, we both had gained around 20 pounds or so...and that was the beginning of my battle with my weight. I was picked on and teased all through school and have self esteem issues because of my weight. I, like you, have tried every diet I can think of, yo-yoed from dieting to not dieting, to binge eating, and then nearly starving myself because I felt so guilty. I have tried many times through the years too and failed. I even said "forget it" and just gave up. I also do not believe in New Years resolutions because so many times, I fail at them before the month of January is even done. I have a newfound hope after reading your blog though and I am going to give it another shot. I am going to do a diet of my own and hopefully have success this time. I also do not like to exercise much, but I am going to HAVE to force myself to do it. I don't know if you have a playstation or anything, but before I was using the calorie counting mode on Dance Dance Revelation and WOW! That will give you a work out plus it is fun. So I am going to exercise and use that along with my diet. I am at 232 lbs and my goal is to get to 150 lbs so that is 82 pounds.
I will be following your blog and commenting from time to time on your success and let you know how I am doing as well. We can do this! We will do it together. Good luck and keep in touch!
Heather Wilson
Heather,
ReplyDeleteAnytime you need support, I am here. I know we can do this and I really do want it this time. I am determined. I know I will have setbacks from time to time,but that's part of it. I am happy that I have inspired you to lose weight and get healthy. That's why I started this blog, so we can all help each other. I am tired of hiding and being ashamed of my weight. It's just a number, but sometimes that number makes me feel invisible and miserable. I am ready to move beyond the number and start living!!