Twenty-three days and I'm still alive!

On exactly January 1st of 2011, I decided to finally get myself together and lose weight. No, I did not make a New Year's resolution because I don't believe in them. However, losing weight has always been a project of mine. I have always been...heavy (trying to use the least negative word here) due to a childhood that I had no control over. I don't blame my mother or my father for anything that happened, but I internalized every bad feeling I had. I started binging when I was 7, joined Weight Watchers at 13, hooked on laxatives and dexatrim by 16, and tried every fad diet in between. By the age of 19, I was married and found myself in a very toxic relationship. A few years after being married, I gave up on myself completely. I let negative feelings and thoughts take over my entire existence. I lived that way for many years until my son was born and gave me life. The journey back to myself has been a long one. Very scary at times and joyful at others, but it's not over yet. So, I have decided to come clean, here, in public. What do I want to accomplish? I want to be able to rant, share my successes and failures, and hopefully get some advice from people who have been where I am. I will be brutally honest with myself because honestly, I can't afford therapy. I need a way to hold myself accoutable and to get rid of all the negativity. I am so hard on myself that I when I do fail, I can't breathe for days. I give up entirely and eat everything in the kitchen that contains chocolate or is high in trans fats. Then I berate myself for days following my out of control binge. I have to take control of my life in this way, because in many ways it's the last hurdle on my journey. I have been eating to comfort myself since I was 7, so these habits are hard to break, but I know now that I am worth it. On January 1st I started trying to change my habits by following the simple rules to weight loss...eating healthy, eating the bad things in moderation, counting calories, and exercising. I downloaded a nifty calorie counting app on my iPhone and was on my way. I have logged in every day since I got the app and have faithfully counted my calories for 21 days now. Technically, I started on January 3rd, which was the first Monday of the new year. According to the app I need to consume 1610 calories a day. I have been under most days, except the one day I ate a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers while watching a movie. Did you know a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers has 500 calories? Wow. I was stunned. So no more eating in front of the television for me. What did I do? I just forgave myself, gave myself a positive pep talk, and moved on. That was a major breakthrough for me. Maybe the fact that I had no chocolate in the house helped too. Anyway, I have lost 7 pounds in 15 days. My next weigh-in is tomorrow morning. I haven't done too well this past week so I just hope to have lost one pound. I was under in calories for the week, but I have just been making bad choices. So I will just hope for the best and do better next week. My goal is to eventually lose 160 pounds. I currently weigh 305.8 pounds. I started at 313. The one thing I have not been able to do consistently is exercise and that will be my project for next week. I am going to do step aerobics if it kills me! I am determined! I can't let that $25 step I bought off of Craigslist go to waste, now can I? Wish me luck!