It's been awhile since I have last posted to my blog. I am going to be more dedicated to this process this year. I think writing helps me...a form of therapy I suppose. My goal is to write something...anything once a week. That seems reasonable. We'll see how long I can keep it up with 2 boys keeping me busy all the time!
So a new year, a new me? Possibly. I still want to lose weight, get fit and healthy, but maybe I am too focused on my outward appearance when I should be focused within. I think trying to lose weight makes me feel worthy. How so do you say? I've never felt worthy of anything in my life. It starts way back when my parents screwed up my life. They set me on a path of trying to be perfect, so perfect in fact, that I sabotaged that impulse at every turn along the way. Have I forgiven my parents? Absolutely not. That's where I am today. Have I taken responsibility for my actions? Yes. I realize I have abused myself. Eaten myself to where I am, beaten myself up until inside I'm a bloody pulp of myself, accepted and expected less of myself than I should have allowed. I realize I can't blame my parents for my actions as an adult, but I do blame them for my fear of abandonment and for my need to be perfect. I always thought that if I were perfect then my mom would love me and my dad would come back and be in my life. But the quest for perfection proved to be too hard. I became stressed out and started eating to help me feel better by the time I was 7. I would constantly chastise myself. Not just for the overeating, but if I made a B instead of an A in school. If my grades slipped and I wasn't on the honor roll for a semester I thought I would perish. I think this is where the control freak part of me took over. I always needed to be in control of myself and I always have been except where eating is concerned. The one place I desperately yearn to be in control. What does it all mean? It all boils down to forgiveness. I once heard that forgiveness is the key to freedom. Forgiving others who have wronged you will bring peace of mind, body and soul. I don't know how forgiveness will unlock this prison I'm in, but I'm willing to try. So here today...I'm putting this out into the universe hoping I can forgive not only those who have wronged me but I really need to forgive myself for being my worst enemy. I need to forgive (never forget) and move on with my life. I need to start living from this day forward. I have many blessings in my life and I don't want to mess that up. I don't want to lose myself. I have not allowed my being to live authentically and to live the life I was meant to live. All of this because I have held on instead of letting go. Here it is...Tracie...I forgive you for not allowing you to have a life. Mom...I forgive you for not showing me you love me. Dad....I forgive you for leaving me. Ed (step-father)....I forgive you for ripping my mother out of my life. Grandmother Ora...I forgive you for your bad treatment of me just because I was my mother's daughter. If you had showed my mom that you loved her, maybe she would have loved me. I forgive you all. May those of you that have passed, rest in peace. May the rest of you have the knowledge that all is forgiven. The slate wiped clean. I am worth it. My life is worth living.
